Friday, December 23, 2011

On the first day of Christmas, a Cover Letter Entry

We here at FSP are still accepting entries for The Cover Letter Contest, but here is an example, just to help set the festive mood for the contest.


To whom it may concern:

Please find attached my application for your open position in Nanoherpetology. I completed my PhD in Nano-neuroherpetology in 2008 at the University of X, and since then have been a postdoctoral research in Applied Electrical Nanoherpetochemistry and Engineering in the famous Z lab of the K Institute. I was strongly encouraged to apply for this position by my mentor, Professor E, the world expert cosmoherpetologist who is rumored to be an imminent choice for the National Academy of Sciences.

My expertise and my personality are a perfect fit with your department. I expect that, given my expertise and background, I would be able to have a large and well-funded research program up and running within the first year.

I have enclosed but a few of my more significant publications for your review. A complete archive of all my peer-reviewed publications can be downloaded from the ftp site (address). A copy of my press releases and other media-related materials (podcasts, videos, documentaries) are also available on request.

Other information about my research accomplishments and a framework for my future research can be found in the enclosed materials, along with a list of courses that I could easily teach at the graduate and undergraduate levels. In addition, you may be interested to know that my wife does not have a PhD. In fact, she works as a receptionist in an insurance office, a job she would happily leave.

Sincerely,

Sinclair Snake

7 comments:

Pramod said...

In addition, you may be interested to know that my wife does not have a PhD. In fact, she works as a receptionist in an insurance office, a job she would happily leave.

I know there's an element of exaggeration for comic effect here, but I'd like to know if people actually write things like this.

Anonymous said...

This is in fact a fantastic letter. It appeals directly to the nepotism that is the core of intensely corrupt American academia.

Female Science Professor said...

I have seen a sentence like the last one in a cover letter, though typically a bit more subtle (but not always).

Anonymous said...

Anon 3:10, it's only corrupt and nepotism (broadly defined) if the person is hired owing to close personal relationships and is not qualified for the job (or as qualified as other applicants). Otherwise it is just someone being immature and probably a twit.

Anonymous said...

"Willing to sacrifice non-work-life to provide long hours of highly skilled labor for cheap."

It appeals directly to the exploitation that is the core of intensely corrupt American academia. (not 'nepotism')

Unbalanced Reaction said...

For some, the holidays start once final grades are entered. Others check into the seasonal spirit once Thanksgiving is done.

Me? I know it's the holidays once FSP opens up her annual contest!

Kea said...

it's only corrupt and nepotism (broadly defined) if the person is hired owing to close personal relationships and is not qualified for the job ...

Um, yeah, that's pretty much what happens. The idea that some of these unoriginal 23 year old PhDs actually know anything is ludicrous.